Agile is dead. Long live waterfall.

Update: This was a poor attempt at an April fools joke :)

The Agile cult has been maligning waterfall for nearly a decade and a half. They would want you to believe that no software project was successful before 17 middle-aged white guys met in a ski lodge in 2001. Alas, that is not the case. We went to the moon, designed air traffic control systems and created the world wide web. It’s time to remove the wool from over your eyes and realize, that perhaps, waterfall, is the good guy. 

Flow is the talk of the town these days. Waterfalls LITERALLY flow. Yes, they literally flow. A big boulder, no problem, it flows around it. Elegant…Seamless..

Waterfall is far less stressful than agile. First of all, it’s very name is soothing. Say it with me, “Waaaterfall" My heart rate dipped by 5bpm as I said it. Just saying 'agile' or 'scrum' gives me anxiety. So abrupt…

Waterfall is magic. No matter how big the project is, it can be completed in 3 years. Year 1 is the requirements and architectural framework phase. Year 2 is 'Phase 1a'. Year 3 (where the magic happens) is when everything else gets done.

Waterfall is far less stressful. Whereas Agile projects tell you that you are screwed from the start, waterfall gives you two years of “green” RAG status. When the project eventually goes “red” all you have to do is replace the project managers who were out of their depth.

Waterfall is eco-friendly. All you need is Microsoft project and powerpoint to run any size project. Agile, on the other hand, is littering the world with post-it notes and magic whiteboard. How many trees have to die for Agile?

What’s wrong with big bang releases? If it was good enough for the world’s first large-scale project, the universe itself, why isn’t it good enough for building an accounting system?

I’m sorry waterfall. I was wrong about you.

Happy April 1